Happy Thanksgiving

I asked my mother today what she was Thankful for, knowing that she wouldn't dissapoint. Here's her list:


The cuckoo clock she got for her retirement from Chris since I hate it.

Medicare.

Zoloft.

Senior citizen discounts at Kohls.

Flight benefits.

Her church.

Her family.

BBC America, HBO, and HGTV.

Harrison Ford movies.

Remote controls.

Running water. (I'm not sure, maybe she felt the need for a bath.)

Mince meat pie. (BLECH!)

And last, but certainly not least, telephones.


So there you go, a list of things from a woman who is surely showing early signs of Alzheimers. When I told her that she needed to get on Alzheimer medication today, she told me to go get chemo and radiation for the cancer I might get.

Thanksgiving: the holiday to tell your family that you hope they die a horrible death.

Groundhog Day?

Well, it's official. The old lady is retired and already driving me crazy. This week's antics included:

* Her retirement party, where she neglected to tell me where it was, and after telling her four or five times to keep her phone on her in case I called didn't answer the phone the four times that I called her. Then, didn't understand why I was upset by it...you can't stay mad at someone who just retired though. It's their speed pass to Alzheimers after all.

* We watched movies last night with my friend Anna. Anna has never been around my mother during one of her "moments." We watched Capote, the new Dawn of the Dead (which the horror queen loved, but Anna only liked it when I said the people were gonna do it, and the zombie baby showed up. Anna was not impressed with Zombies) and then we watched V for Vendetta.

We weren't even thirty seconds into the movie. We were still listening to Natalie say, "...remember, remember the fifth of November..." when I asked my mother if she knew what Guy Fawkes day was. She looked at me confused, and said, "Groundhog Day?" I almost mentioned that no one would make a movie about that, but then realized how dumb that statement would be. Anna commenced laughing so hard that she had tears in her eyes, and I was laughing so hard I couldn't even pull the Raider out. My mother sat there so confused that she decided to read her newspaper until we stopped. Then I busted out with, "remember remember the second of February..." and we lost our shit again. Still confused my mother was getting upset I hadn't explained it yet, so finally we broke it down for her.

She didn't in fact know what Guy Fawkes day was. She does now though. She liked it by the way, and is a fan of Alan Moore, even though there was a long discussion about the Watchmen and how she wouldn't like it but wants to read it anyway.

* Today, DirecTV came out to fix her box in her bedroom before replacing it all together. She calls me after to ask me where Mandy was adopted from. I said, Camp Wolgang? And I told her the website. She said the guy didn't have internet. Still confused, I asked her what guy, and she said the guy that fixed her cable box because he loved animals as much as I did, and she got his number so she could call him and tell him where to adopt a German Shepherd. I asked her if she was trying to set me up with the cable guy, and she said yes because he was tall.

Evidently we've reached the point in my life where a guy is good enough for me based merely on his stature. Doesn't matter how smart he is, how he treats women, etc. As long as he's tall, he'll do for me. Her daughter. Her ONLY daughter. Her baby girl.

I could end up at the bottom of a well pleading for my life and screaming for a dog named Precious so I don't get made into a human hair-piece, but my mom wouldn't suspect anything as long as the guy was tall.

That's it for this week, stay tuned as I'm sure the hilarity will ensue.

Defrost?

Last week, my mother was driving my car for a few days. Why, you ask, would I let my precious, precious hippie mobile to be put in the hands of a slow-driving lunatic? Well, her A/C went out, and I can't handle my poor mother burning up in the Texas heat. Ahh….I know, sometimes I have a heart.

The problem was that the air was cool, it just wasn't coming out of the vents. I had something similar happen in a previous car and knew that it probably meant the fan was out which was far less expensive than replacing or fixing the entire A/C unit. I've done that too, and it was more expensive than the car was worth.

So, the plan was she was to drop her car off on Thursday, I would come and get her, give her my car and on Saturday while I was in Houston my friend would come and pick her up to get the car when it was finished. Well, Thursday night, she drives her car home and has no problems and told me that it was fixed. I was amazed at the mechanics efficiency and left it at that. She offered up no other information, and I thought that was that.

Then when I came home from Houston on Sunday, she told me that she had to tell me what was wrong with her car. I was hesitant to ask since last time this happened she had backed into someone in the parking lot of my job costing her $2,000.

What followed has to be the funniest mom story ever.

The night before the horrible A/C going out incident of 2006 it had rained out, and mom's windows were fogging up so she had turned on the defroster things because she couldn't see.
I bet you know where this is going, don't you?

Well, she drove home, turned off the car, went inside and didn't think a thing of it.
Next day, got in car, started it, and the A/C wasn't working. Of course it wasn't working, it was on defrost.

She spent three days worrying and fretting about getting her A/C fixed, when all she had to do was actually turn it on. Thank God the mechanic didn't charge her for this, since he got more than enough payment in seeing the look on her face when she realized what she had done. I'm sure it will be a story that goes 'round for years. I know I'll certainly spread it around that long, and pass it on for generations.

So what if it's been four months?

What's it to you?

I love CNN, and when I go to sleep, I have it going on my TV, just in case I wake up to pee, and something has happened.

To you it might be crazy, but today it proved not such a crazy quirk after all.

I woke up around 4:00 to go potty, and saw "Holy crap, breaking news, the world is coming to an end..." banners on CNN. In reality, al-Zarqawi had been killed which in itself is big news. It is, the president says so.

But that's beside the point. This website is about my crazy mother, isn't it?

I talk to my mother every morning before she goes to work. Really, it's her talking, and me grunting as I'm still asleep and just talking to her until she stops yammering and I figure I will call her later to find out what she really wants to talk about. It's normally nothing, but she's my mother, right?

So this morning, in an excitement that normally only Christmas morning brings, she proclaimed to me that they finally had bombed Zimbabwe.

Yes, she said Zimbabwe.

Thankfully my CNN watching habits serve me well, and I knew what she was talking about so I was able to to play with her a bit.

I then asked, "the entire country?"

"No, just Zimbabwe."

"The country, they bombed the entire country?"

"No, just Zim-bab-we!"

Yes, I'm this evil.

"What did Zimbabwe ever do to us?"

"Oh...you know, the terrorism and stuff!"

"Zimbabwe? The country in Africa? I didn't think they were known for their terroristic activities!"

"No, no, no, the guy...the Bin Laden guy...you know, Zim something or other."

At this point I let the poor soul off the hook, and I told her that I knew what she was talking about.

So, contrary to popular Christopher theories that my mother just can't hear me because I have a whiny voice, so he says, she really can't hear anyone.

There's a dose for you. I know that there are letters piled up in my email from months ago, that have since tapered off since people think my mother was being aloof and didn't answer them, we've just had a busy couple of months.

In other Mumsy news, she is officially one step closer to retirement, and as promised she will be plugged in and ready to correspond with everyone and give her advice first hand. She now has a laptop that she's really unsure of how to use, but she's able to check her emails which impresses me beyond belief.

Marlene or Marlena

Alright, another fun one with an explanation. She didn't get what I was asking as normal, but this one kind of ticked her off when she figured it out. My mother is horrible with names. Marlena will always be Marlene no matter how many times I tell her the correct way to say it, but boy does she know how to say Ben. I dated a guy for SIX YEARS and she called him Scrappenini when his last name was Scarpellini. I'm glad we didn't get married after all because she never would have gotten my name right. Odd thing is, she gets REALLY upset when people say my name wrong since she thought of it all on her own.

Anyway, here's the second one for tonight:

Dear Mum,
What's a nice way to tell a lady that you work with that's she a horrible moron for not being able to remember your name?She can remember my husband's name, but always call's me Husband's Wife when she comes in or introduces anyone to me... Thanks in advance.

Signed, I Do Have a Name You KNOW!

"I had pizza for dinner on Sunday, and it always upsets my stomach. I'll take some mashed potatoes though."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, I bought some of the flaky kind."

(It took everything in me not to make a comment on her similar mental condition, but I held it in.)

"Mother, listen to me. SHE'S CALLED THE WRONG NAME."

"So?"

"THE WOMAN CALLS HER THE WIFE!"

"What woman?"

"..."

"What WOMan?"

"Alright, this dumb woman calls her the wife. She works with her. How can she get her to call her by the right name."

"Whose wife?"

"Does it matter?"

"Well, yeah, I mean, is her name hard?"

"I don't know. It doesn't matter. Her name could be 32 vowels in a row and it wouldn't matter. The woman makes no effort to learn her name."

"Some people forget names. They remember a face, but they can't remember a name. It's not the woman's fault, she just can't help it."

"I know. Trust me, I know. So, how does she tell this woman to remember her name without getting fired?"

"Her boss should know her name!"

"It's not her boss, it's a coworker."

"Well, then she can't get fired, can she?"

"Will you answer the question?"

"Well, she just just refuse to acknowledge her until she calls her by the right name, or at least attempts to."

And for once, I think she's right. So Marlena, next time you see my mother, you should do the same.

Woops

Well, this one was actually answered a long time ago, but I kept forgetting to put this on here. Now that the holiday is over, I'm glad I didn't. I'll tell you why in a second.

Dear Mum,
I have a wonderful husband who does so many wonderful things for me for holidays and birthdays that sometimes I think he's a robot. He's very good at getting the things that I want as far as gifts go, but I usually have to tell him what I'd like him to get. He doesn't make decisions about what to get me very often. He usually justs find out what I want and gives it to me, rather than surprising me with something that he thought of on his own. My question is, I'd like him to send me flowers for Valentine's Day, but since I'm not really the "loves getting flowers" type of girl, I'm wondering how to subtly let him know that I'd like flowers, without having to tell him to get them for me, which sort of defeats the purpose of a loving gesture. Your thoughts?

- Happily Married, But Wants Some Surprises

I'm telling you folks, when she wants to hear, she can. This was her response:

"Is that Ben?"

"Well, yes, it is actually."

"I'm just going to call him and tell him what he needs to get that girl. Why doesn't he know a girl needs flowers?"

"He's a guy. And a good one at that."

Well, she didn't call Ben but not because she didn't try, she just couldn't figure out who he was in my phone (Benholio if you must know.) Marlena got the flowers however, and it didn't even take the intervention of my mother, which makes me all warm and fuzzy knowing he did it on his own.

So that's it for this holiday. I will tell you, that not only is Saint Patricks day my favorite holiday after Halloween, it's my mothers after Christmas....hint, hint. The woman may be Scottish, but she swears that you can't be Scottish without a bloody Irishmen getting in the way.

Valentines day

Alright, so I've been out of town....again....and been delayed in getting these out. But, here's the first of many questions we have regarding Valentines Day. If you want a diatribe of anger deceit, come see me tomorrow. You'll get your fill. But for now, dating advice from my mother.

Dear Ask Mum,

How can I find a nice woman to settle down with? I've gone to every bar in town, hung out at every strip club, and even went to the Laundromat even though I didn't have any laundry to wash!! My Mom suggested to go to Church, but you know what they say?… you should only go where you would want to meet someone like you.

I need a girl who isn't afraid to wear edible undies.

Help!

Signed,
Lonely On Sunday Evening Regularly


I'm just going to say, I cringed at the thought of asking this one. I don't know if my mother knew what edible undies were, and quite frankly I didn't want to know either. So thank you for that. I know who you are, and I know how to contact your mother.


"I used to be Catholic, but then I became Methodist. I like that church that Chris goes to, the kids show is funny."

"And why aren't you Catholic any longer?"

"I'm just not.'

"Well...okay then. But how does this person meet a girl?"

"What does that have to do with church?"

"Because their mother told them to go to church, but they want someone who wears edible undies. Do intentionallyally not listen to me when I'm speaking, or can you really not hear me?"

"I heard you. Girls who wear edible undies don't go to church!"

"I can't believe I'm going to ask this, but you go to church, have you ever worn them?"

"No, I haven't had sex since they've invented them."

"Okay, then can we leave that alone? I'm sure that even someone who goes to church has worn them, but what they want to know is where to meet a girl. They don't want to go to church."

"Well, where do you hang out?"

"The bookstore, bars, comic shops, and wherever Marlena or Chris are."

"Then they need to go there."

"Well...why?"

"Because you need to meet a man."

"Thanks for reminding me. But, I KNOW this person, and I don't think they're the type to date someone like me."

"Why?"

"We're just going to leave it at that. Anyway, what you're saying is, go to places that I go to so you they can meet me. What about the other women of the world?"

"I don't care if they get married, I care if YOU get married."

"Well, okay then. We'll see what we can do"

"If someone wants to date you, they can email me."

"Why?"

"So you won't ruin it."

"And you'll make it go well?"

"I'll get the basics covered so you can just jump in. You don't do that well. You mess it up."

"Thanks Mom. I thought you were supposed to be on MY side, not Chris's?"

"Well, he's right."

So there you have it. Unless you're wanting to date me, my mother has no answer for you. And if you are wanting to date me, please don't tell my mother.

Valentines day

Yes, there are three questions in the line to be answered, but my mother had a very specific request today and she said she wanted to do this before answering questions. Evidently her head is getting big, and she thinks she can run the show now. I can't imagine what life will be like once she retires. (should be in the next month or two, so expect some regularity to her posts. I might even teach her how to do it....but the humor will be lost I believe.)

Since I hate Valentine's Day, and she loves it, she wants us to join together to solve all of your love problems, and to teach me that this holiday isn't so bad after all. If you need some advice in the arena of love, why not ask the woman who has been divorced for over 20 years, and her single daughter who can't even date well? We'll see how this goes. I see a trainwreck in our near future.

As for the other three questions waiting to be answered, her majesty the queen of the non sequitur responses will respond shortly. She promised me once I do her taxes. Lord help us.

Frosty

Dear Ask Mum,

I’m hoping you can settle an argument between my girlfriend and I. When eating at a fast food restaurant, is it proper etiquette to eat your French fries first, or should you eat the burger first? I say either is fine, and prefer to eat my fries first, but my girlfriend says the burger should be eaten first, as it is the “main” part of the meal.

Also, is it bad manners to dip your fries into your girlfriend’s Frosty? Should I just buy my own, even though I don’t want all of it?

We have ten dollars riding on your answer. Thanks!!

Sign me,
French Fry Lover




"Well, would you use it for his nose or arms?"

I just left that one alone. For once, that just made as much sense to me.

Klondike Bar

I know we have a backlog right now, but this one really got me chuckling, so I had to get it out quickly. I have a few to ask her tonight, so expect an update soon. She's also got a new profile on MySpace, so go check her out.


Dear Mum,

What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?
-Confused Catholic




"(blank stare)"
"Mum, what would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?"
"What kind of moron thinks that Jesus even drives a car?"
"Well, he is all knowing or something right? I'm sure he can drive a six speed."
"(blank stare suddenly turns to hostility)"
"What, he's 'all powerful' and stuff, I'm sure he's got a mean ride! Jesus ain't driving no pinto, man!"
"Â…"
"What?"
"Who asks that kind of question? And you're going to burn in Hell. I raised you better than that."
"Yeah, and horror movies are acceptable viewing for a four year-old."
"Hey, you were mature for your age."
"And now my soul is dead because of it."
"Don't blame being a heathen on me."
"I blame it on the Jesus."
"Would you stop it?!?"

-at this point, I had to rope her in because she was getting upset. There are some things you joke about with my mother, but Jesus apparently isn't one of them.
"Mum, I'm kidding, kiddingÂ….no, the question was what would Jesus do for a KLONDIKE BAR?"
"(hysterical laughter)"
"Dork, it's a t-shirt. Someone was lacking creativity."
"Do they come in red?"
"Well, I don't know. Why?"
"Because I want one for Mother's day."
"(shaking my head in frustraion)"
"Buy me one!"
-and I had better, or the Jesus will get me.

Regifting

Well folks, sorry for the delay. In case you've been in a cave over the last two weeks, I've been in Japan, and although I talked to my Mother several times while I was gone, it was at five in the morning and our conversations consisted mostly of how to get her email what I had to eat, how nice or mean the Japanese were, and what I bought her. Oh yes, and how to re-order checks because that seems to be something that has completely passed her by.

I don't know how seriously you should take her advice, but here goes:


Dear Ask Mum,

I received a gift for Christmas from a friend that I know was regifted to me. You see, I gave them this gift three years ago, and it still has the tag I put on it! I guess they forgot to take it off the bottom, but when I turned it over, there it was.

How should I handle this? Should I tell them I know they gave me my own gift back, or should I just keep quiet and regift it back to them in a few years?

Thanks for your help.

Sign Me,

It Was A Sucky Gift In the First Place


"I didn't do that!"

"No Mother, it's not an accusation, it's a question."

"Why is she worried about this weeks later?"

"Well, she sent this a while ago, I was gone. Remember?"

"Oh, right. Well, what was the question?"

"What does she do about something being regifted back to her."

"I don't buy anything for someone that I wouldn't want myself."

"Well, okay...but...can you focus?"

"I am. She should only buy things she would want herself."

"That's not the problem. The problem is she got a gift from someone else that she bought them."

"That's why you buy stuff you want, so if they give it back you can keep it."

"....okay....so, does she say anything?"

"Well yeah! That's just rude! I would send them an email if I knew how."

"So, it's okay to regift as long as it's not back to the person who gave it to you?"

"What kind of moron regifts it BACK to you?"

"..."

"Are these people your friends?"

"Well, they were."