Valentines day

Alright, so I've been out of town....again....and been delayed in getting these out. But, here's the first of many questions we have regarding Valentines Day. If you want a diatribe of anger deceit, come see me tomorrow. You'll get your fill. But for now, dating advice from my mother.

Dear Ask Mum,

How can I find a nice woman to settle down with? I've gone to every bar in town, hung out at every strip club, and even went to the Laundromat even though I didn't have any laundry to wash!! My Mom suggested to go to Church, but you know what they say?… you should only go where you would want to meet someone like you.

I need a girl who isn't afraid to wear edible undies.

Help!

Signed,
Lonely On Sunday Evening Regularly


I'm just going to say, I cringed at the thought of asking this one. I don't know if my mother knew what edible undies were, and quite frankly I didn't want to know either. So thank you for that. I know who you are, and I know how to contact your mother.


"I used to be Catholic, but then I became Methodist. I like that church that Chris goes to, the kids show is funny."

"And why aren't you Catholic any longer?"

"I'm just not.'

"Well...okay then. But how does this person meet a girl?"

"What does that have to do with church?"

"Because their mother told them to go to church, but they want someone who wears edible undies. Do intentionallyally not listen to me when I'm speaking, or can you really not hear me?"

"I heard you. Girls who wear edible undies don't go to church!"

"I can't believe I'm going to ask this, but you go to church, have you ever worn them?"

"No, I haven't had sex since they've invented them."

"Okay, then can we leave that alone? I'm sure that even someone who goes to church has worn them, but what they want to know is where to meet a girl. They don't want to go to church."

"Well, where do you hang out?"

"The bookstore, bars, comic shops, and wherever Marlena or Chris are."

"Then they need to go there."

"Well...why?"

"Because you need to meet a man."

"Thanks for reminding me. But, I KNOW this person, and I don't think they're the type to date someone like me."

"Why?"

"We're just going to leave it at that. Anyway, what you're saying is, go to places that I go to so you they can meet me. What about the other women of the world?"

"I don't care if they get married, I care if YOU get married."

"Well, okay then. We'll see what we can do"

"If someone wants to date you, they can email me."

"Why?"

"So you won't ruin it."

"And you'll make it go well?"

"I'll get the basics covered so you can just jump in. You don't do that well. You mess it up."

"Thanks Mom. I thought you were supposed to be on MY side, not Chris's?"

"Well, he's right."

So there you have it. Unless you're wanting to date me, my mother has no answer for you. And if you are wanting to date me, please don't tell my mother.