The Christmas special

Merry Christmas from the crazy Kilburn household where today we watch dogs eat presents and have sammiches as our grand feast. This Grinch hates Christmas and is glad that it's over, but Mum on the other hand is beaming with present giving joy. Today, two questions both relating to Christmas. For those of you who enjoy this day, I hope you have a wonderful one. For all my fellow grinches, we'll get 'em next year!

Lori


Dear Mum,

I wanted to know if you could tell me about the history of mistletoe. Why
do people kiss under it? Why do strangers suddenly feel that it is OK to
touch lips with me just because they're holding parasitic leaves over my
head?

Thank you for clearing this up!

- Mistletoeless Joe


Well, it's not nearly as entertaining when she actually understands me, unless of course she's reminding me once again of her disappointment of me and my marital status. Read on my friends.

"I'm sure it's pagan or something, don't you?"

"Well, Joe didn't write in to know what I had to say, he wants to know your opinion."

"Well look it up on the computer."

"You mean the internet?"

"Yes, I guess. Whatever."

At this point we did a short amount of research to find out that it's either Celtic, Greek, French, or North American. Sometimes it was for weddings, other for fertility, and then again just so some homely chicks could get some. None of which seemed to please her, and she was frankly more interested in opening presents.

"Well, what do you want to tell Joe."

"First of all, why is he so worried about people hanging balls over him in the air, and kissing him?"

"Well, some people aren't into that. Are you sure you haven't been using the internet to look at porn?"

"What, I don't eat popcorn, my colon remember?"

"Right. How could I forget. Again, what do we tell Joe?"

"Tell Joe if he's single, to come down here and get under the mistletoe with you. You need a man, and you need to be fertile."

"Really, why's that?"

"Because you're 28 and single, and I need a grandchild."

"Mother, you have three already, why is it my duty to repopulate the family again just because you want more grandchildren?"

"I think you just need to get laid."

I think we can leave it at that.


Tomorrow is Christmas. I don't have a fireplace. How will Santa come in my house? I'm sad that I may not have anything in my stocking tomorrow morning.

"Granny panties."

"Granny panties. Really?"

"Yes."

"Out of that whole long sentence, you got granny panties as a response?"

"She asked what I wanted in my stocking, right?"

"No, she....okay, step by step. If she doesn't have a fireplace, how does Santa get into her house?"

"Does she not know Santa doesn't come through the chimney? He comes through your credit card statements? How old is this person?"

"Thanks for ruining Christmas for everyone."

"Well, by the time you're old enough to use the computer, you should know that Santa isn't real."

"Mother, YOU don't know how to use the computer, but I bet that Jordan does (my friend's 2 1/2 year old daughter.) and she doesn't know Santa isn't real."

"Well....okay, what did she ask about stockings."

"She said she's afraid Santa won't leave her anything due to her structural problem in the house."

"Huh?"

"NO CHIMNEY!"

"Oh. Well, tell her to do what I do. Go to Target and get it herself. If you wait around for some mystery man to fill your stockings, you will live your life in a world of disappointment."

"You know what Mum, for once you're right."

Have a Merry one everybody, and enjoy your time with your mother. I know I will!