Alright, another fun one with an explanation. She didn't get what I was asking as normal, but this one kind of ticked her off when she figured it out. My mother is horrible with names. Marlena will always be Marlene no matter how many times I tell her the correct way to say it, but boy does she know how to say Ben. I dated a guy for SIX YEARS and she called him Scrappenini when his last name was Scarpellini. I'm glad we didn't get married after all because she never would have gotten my name right. Odd thing is, she gets REALLY upset when people say my name wrong since she thought of it all on her own.
Anyway, here's the second one for tonight:
Dear Mum,
What's a nice way to tell a lady that you work with that's she a horrible moron for not being able to remember your name?She can remember my husband's name, but always call's me Husband's Wife when she comes in or introduces anyone to me... Thanks in advance.
Signed, I Do Have a Name You KNOW!
"I had pizza for dinner on Sunday, and it always upsets my stomach. I'll take some mashed potatoes though."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah, I bought some of the flaky kind."
(It took everything in me not to make a comment on her similar mental condition, but I held it in.)
"Mother, listen to me. SHE'S CALLED THE WRONG NAME."
"So?"
"THE WOMAN CALLS HER THE WIFE!"
"What woman?"
"..."
"What WOMan?"
"Alright, this dumb woman calls her the wife. She works with her. How can she get her to call her by the right name."
"Whose wife?"
"Does it matter?"
"Well, yeah, I mean, is her name hard?"
"I don't know. It doesn't matter. Her name could be 32 vowels in a row and it wouldn't matter. The woman makes no effort to learn her name."
"Some people forget names. They remember a face, but they can't remember a name. It's not the woman's fault, she just can't help it."
"I know. Trust me, I know. So, how does she tell this woman to remember her name without getting fired?"
"Her boss should know her name!"
"It's not her boss, it's a coworker."
"Well, then she can't get fired, can she?"
"Will you answer the question?"
"Well, she just just refuse to acknowledge her until she calls her by the right name, or at least attempts to."
And for once, I think she's right. So Marlena, next time you see my mother, you should do the same.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Woops
Well, this one was actually answered a long time ago, but I kept forgetting to put this on here. Now that the holiday is over, I'm glad I didn't. I'll tell you why in a second.
Dear Mum,
I have a wonderful husband who does so many wonderful things for me for holidays and birthdays that sometimes I think he's a robot. He's very good at getting the things that I want as far as gifts go, but I usually have to tell him what I'd like him to get. He doesn't make decisions about what to get me very often. He usually justs find out what I want and gives it to me, rather than surprising me with something that he thought of on his own. My question is, I'd like him to send me flowers for Valentine's Day, but since I'm not really the "loves getting flowers" type of girl, I'm wondering how to subtly let him know that I'd like flowers, without having to tell him to get them for me, which sort of defeats the purpose of a loving gesture. Your thoughts?
- Happily Married, But Wants Some Surprises
I'm telling you folks, when she wants to hear, she can. This was her response:
"Is that Ben?"
"Well, yes, it is actually."
"I'm just going to call him and tell him what he needs to get that girl. Why doesn't he know a girl needs flowers?"
"He's a guy. And a good one at that."
Well, she didn't call Ben but not because she didn't try, she just couldn't figure out who he was in my phone (Benholio if you must know.) Marlena got the flowers however, and it didn't even take the intervention of my mother, which makes me all warm and fuzzy knowing he did it on his own.
So that's it for this holiday. I will tell you, that not only is Saint Patricks day my favorite holiday after Halloween, it's my mothers after Christmas....hint, hint. The woman may be Scottish, but she swears that you can't be Scottish without a bloody Irishmen getting in the way.
Dear Mum,
I have a wonderful husband who does so many wonderful things for me for holidays and birthdays that sometimes I think he's a robot. He's very good at getting the things that I want as far as gifts go, but I usually have to tell him what I'd like him to get. He doesn't make decisions about what to get me very often. He usually justs find out what I want and gives it to me, rather than surprising me with something that he thought of on his own. My question is, I'd like him to send me flowers for Valentine's Day, but since I'm not really the "loves getting flowers" type of girl, I'm wondering how to subtly let him know that I'd like flowers, without having to tell him to get them for me, which sort of defeats the purpose of a loving gesture. Your thoughts?
- Happily Married, But Wants Some Surprises
I'm telling you folks, when she wants to hear, she can. This was her response:
"Is that Ben?"
"Well, yes, it is actually."
"I'm just going to call him and tell him what he needs to get that girl. Why doesn't he know a girl needs flowers?"
"He's a guy. And a good one at that."
Well, she didn't call Ben but not because she didn't try, she just couldn't figure out who he was in my phone (Benholio if you must know.) Marlena got the flowers however, and it didn't even take the intervention of my mother, which makes me all warm and fuzzy knowing he did it on his own.
So that's it for this holiday. I will tell you, that not only is Saint Patricks day my favorite holiday after Halloween, it's my mothers after Christmas....hint, hint. The woman may be Scottish, but she swears that you can't be Scottish without a bloody Irishmen getting in the way.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Valentines day
Alright, so I've been out of town....again....and been delayed in getting these out. But, here's the first of many questions we have regarding Valentines Day. If you want a diatribe of anger deceit, come see me tomorrow. You'll get your fill. But for now, dating advice from my mother.
Dear Ask Mum,
How can I find a nice woman to settle down with? I've gone to every bar in town, hung out at every strip club, and even went to the Laundromat even though I didn't have any laundry to wash!! My Mom suggested to go to Church, but you know what they say?… you should only go where you would want to meet someone like you.
I need a girl who isn't afraid to wear edible undies.
Help!
Signed,
Lonely On Sunday Evening Regularly
I'm just going to say, I cringed at the thought of asking this one. I don't know if my mother knew what edible undies were, and quite frankly I didn't want to know either. So thank you for that. I know who you are, and I know how to contact your mother.
"I used to be Catholic, but then I became Methodist. I like that church that Chris goes to, the kids show is funny."
"And why aren't you Catholic any longer?"
"I'm just not.'
"Well...okay then. But how does this person meet a girl?"
"What does that have to do with church?"
"Because their mother told them to go to church, but they want someone who wears edible undies. Do intentionallyally not listen to me when I'm speaking, or can you really not hear me?"
"I heard you. Girls who wear edible undies don't go to church!"
"I can't believe I'm going to ask this, but you go to church, have you ever worn them?"
"No, I haven't had sex since they've invented them."
"Okay, then can we leave that alone? I'm sure that even someone who goes to church has worn them, but what they want to know is where to meet a girl. They don't want to go to church."
"Well, where do you hang out?"
"The bookstore, bars, comic shops, and wherever Marlena or Chris are."
"Then they need to go there."
"Well...why?"
"Because you need to meet a man."
"Thanks for reminding me. But, I KNOW this person, and I don't think they're the type to date someone like me."
"Why?"
"We're just going to leave it at that. Anyway, what you're saying is, go to places that I go to so you they can meet me. What about the other women of the world?"
"I don't care if they get married, I care if YOU get married."
"Well, okay then. We'll see what we can do"
"If someone wants to date you, they can email me."
"Why?"
"So you won't ruin it."
"And you'll make it go well?"
"I'll get the basics covered so you can just jump in. You don't do that well. You mess it up."
"Thanks Mom. I thought you were supposed to be on MY side, not Chris's?"
"Well, he's right."
So there you have it. Unless you're wanting to date me, my mother has no answer for you. And if you are wanting to date me, please don't tell my mother.
Dear Ask Mum,
How can I find a nice woman to settle down with? I've gone to every bar in town, hung out at every strip club, and even went to the Laundromat even though I didn't have any laundry to wash!! My Mom suggested to go to Church, but you know what they say?… you should only go where you would want to meet someone like you.
I need a girl who isn't afraid to wear edible undies.
Help!
Signed,
Lonely On Sunday Evening Regularly
I'm just going to say, I cringed at the thought of asking this one. I don't know if my mother knew what edible undies were, and quite frankly I didn't want to know either. So thank you for that. I know who you are, and I know how to contact your mother.
"I used to be Catholic, but then I became Methodist. I like that church that Chris goes to, the kids show is funny."
"And why aren't you Catholic any longer?"
"I'm just not.'
"Well...okay then. But how does this person meet a girl?"
"What does that have to do with church?"
"Because their mother told them to go to church, but they want someone who wears edible undies. Do intentionallyally not listen to me when I'm speaking, or can you really not hear me?"
"I heard you. Girls who wear edible undies don't go to church!"
"I can't believe I'm going to ask this, but you go to church, have you ever worn them?"
"No, I haven't had sex since they've invented them."
"Okay, then can we leave that alone? I'm sure that even someone who goes to church has worn them, but what they want to know is where to meet a girl. They don't want to go to church."
"Well, where do you hang out?"
"The bookstore, bars, comic shops, and wherever Marlena or Chris are."
"Then they need to go there."
"Well...why?"
"Because you need to meet a man."
"Thanks for reminding me. But, I KNOW this person, and I don't think they're the type to date someone like me."
"Why?"
"We're just going to leave it at that. Anyway, what you're saying is, go to places that I go to so you they can meet me. What about the other women of the world?"
"I don't care if they get married, I care if YOU get married."
"Well, okay then. We'll see what we can do"
"If someone wants to date you, they can email me."
"Why?"
"So you won't ruin it."
"And you'll make it go well?"
"I'll get the basics covered so you can just jump in. You don't do that well. You mess it up."
"Thanks Mom. I thought you were supposed to be on MY side, not Chris's?"
"Well, he's right."
So there you have it. Unless you're wanting to date me, my mother has no answer for you. And if you are wanting to date me, please don't tell my mother.
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