Valentines day

Yes, there are three questions in the line to be answered, but my mother had a very specific request today and she said she wanted to do this before answering questions. Evidently her head is getting big, and she thinks she can run the show now. I can't imagine what life will be like once she retires. (should be in the next month or two, so expect some regularity to her posts. I might even teach her how to do it....but the humor will be lost I believe.)

Since I hate Valentine's Day, and she loves it, she wants us to join together to solve all of your love problems, and to teach me that this holiday isn't so bad after all. If you need some advice in the arena of love, why not ask the woman who has been divorced for over 20 years, and her single daughter who can't even date well? We'll see how this goes. I see a trainwreck in our near future.

As for the other three questions waiting to be answered, her majesty the queen of the non sequitur responses will respond shortly. She promised me once I do her taxes. Lord help us.

Frosty

Dear Ask Mum,

I’m hoping you can settle an argument between my girlfriend and I. When eating at a fast food restaurant, is it proper etiquette to eat your French fries first, or should you eat the burger first? I say either is fine, and prefer to eat my fries first, but my girlfriend says the burger should be eaten first, as it is the “main” part of the meal.

Also, is it bad manners to dip your fries into your girlfriend’s Frosty? Should I just buy my own, even though I don’t want all of it?

We have ten dollars riding on your answer. Thanks!!

Sign me,
French Fry Lover




"Well, would you use it for his nose or arms?"

I just left that one alone. For once, that just made as much sense to me.

Klondike Bar

I know we have a backlog right now, but this one really got me chuckling, so I had to get it out quickly. I have a few to ask her tonight, so expect an update soon. She's also got a new profile on MySpace, so go check her out.


Dear Mum,

What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?
-Confused Catholic




"(blank stare)"
"Mum, what would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?"
"What kind of moron thinks that Jesus even drives a car?"
"Well, he is all knowing or something right? I'm sure he can drive a six speed."
"(blank stare suddenly turns to hostility)"
"What, he's 'all powerful' and stuff, I'm sure he's got a mean ride! Jesus ain't driving no pinto, man!"
"Â…"
"What?"
"Who asks that kind of question? And you're going to burn in Hell. I raised you better than that."
"Yeah, and horror movies are acceptable viewing for a four year-old."
"Hey, you were mature for your age."
"And now my soul is dead because of it."
"Don't blame being a heathen on me."
"I blame it on the Jesus."
"Would you stop it?!?"

-at this point, I had to rope her in because she was getting upset. There are some things you joke about with my mother, but Jesus apparently isn't one of them.
"Mum, I'm kidding, kiddingÂ….no, the question was what would Jesus do for a KLONDIKE BAR?"
"(hysterical laughter)"
"Dork, it's a t-shirt. Someone was lacking creativity."
"Do they come in red?"
"Well, I don't know. Why?"
"Because I want one for Mother's day."
"(shaking my head in frustraion)"
"Buy me one!"
-and I had better, or the Jesus will get me.

Regifting

Well folks, sorry for the delay. In case you've been in a cave over the last two weeks, I've been in Japan, and although I talked to my Mother several times while I was gone, it was at five in the morning and our conversations consisted mostly of how to get her email what I had to eat, how nice or mean the Japanese were, and what I bought her. Oh yes, and how to re-order checks because that seems to be something that has completely passed her by.

I don't know how seriously you should take her advice, but here goes:


Dear Ask Mum,

I received a gift for Christmas from a friend that I know was regifted to me. You see, I gave them this gift three years ago, and it still has the tag I put on it! I guess they forgot to take it off the bottom, but when I turned it over, there it was.

How should I handle this? Should I tell them I know they gave me my own gift back, or should I just keep quiet and regift it back to them in a few years?

Thanks for your help.

Sign Me,

It Was A Sucky Gift In the First Place


"I didn't do that!"

"No Mother, it's not an accusation, it's a question."

"Why is she worried about this weeks later?"

"Well, she sent this a while ago, I was gone. Remember?"

"Oh, right. Well, what was the question?"

"What does she do about something being regifted back to her."

"I don't buy anything for someone that I wouldn't want myself."

"Well, okay...but...can you focus?"

"I am. She should only buy things she would want herself."

"That's not the problem. The problem is she got a gift from someone else that she bought them."

"That's why you buy stuff you want, so if they give it back you can keep it."

"....okay....so, does she say anything?"

"Well yeah! That's just rude! I would send them an email if I knew how."

"So, it's okay to regift as long as it's not back to the person who gave it to you?"

"What kind of moron regifts it BACK to you?"

"..."

"Are these people your friends?"

"Well, they were."