Valentines day

Yes, there are three questions in the line to be answered, but my mother had a very specific request today and she said she wanted to do this before answering questions. Evidently her head is getting big, and she thinks she can run the show now. I can't imagine what life will be like once she retires. (should be in the next month or two, so expect some regularity to her posts. I might even teach her how to do it....but the humor will be lost I believe.)

Since I hate Valentine's Day, and she loves it, she wants us to join together to solve all of your love problems, and to teach me that this holiday isn't so bad after all. If you need some advice in the arena of love, why not ask the woman who has been divorced for over 20 years, and her single daughter who can't even date well? We'll see how this goes. I see a trainwreck in our near future.

As for the other three questions waiting to be answered, her majesty the queen of the non sequitur responses will respond shortly. She promised me once I do her taxes. Lord help us.

Frosty

Dear Ask Mum,

I’m hoping you can settle an argument between my girlfriend and I. When eating at a fast food restaurant, is it proper etiquette to eat your French fries first, or should you eat the burger first? I say either is fine, and prefer to eat my fries first, but my girlfriend says the burger should be eaten first, as it is the “main” part of the meal.

Also, is it bad manners to dip your fries into your girlfriend’s Frosty? Should I just buy my own, even though I don’t want all of it?

We have ten dollars riding on your answer. Thanks!!

Sign me,
French Fry Lover




"Well, would you use it for his nose or arms?"

I just left that one alone. For once, that just made as much sense to me.

Klondike Bar

I know we have a backlog right now, but this one really got me chuckling, so I had to get it out quickly. I have a few to ask her tonight, so expect an update soon. She's also got a new profile on MySpace, so go check her out.


Dear Mum,

What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar?
-Confused Catholic




"(blank stare)"
"Mum, what would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?"
"What kind of moron thinks that Jesus even drives a car?"
"Well, he is all knowing or something right? I'm sure he can drive a six speed."
"(blank stare suddenly turns to hostility)"
"What, he's 'all powerful' and stuff, I'm sure he's got a mean ride! Jesus ain't driving no pinto, man!"
"Â…"
"What?"
"Who asks that kind of question? And you're going to burn in Hell. I raised you better than that."
"Yeah, and horror movies are acceptable viewing for a four year-old."
"Hey, you were mature for your age."
"And now my soul is dead because of it."
"Don't blame being a heathen on me."
"I blame it on the Jesus."
"Would you stop it?!?"

-at this point, I had to rope her in because she was getting upset. There are some things you joke about with my mother, but Jesus apparently isn't one of them.
"Mum, I'm kidding, kiddingÂ….no, the question was what would Jesus do for a KLONDIKE BAR?"
"(hysterical laughter)"
"Dork, it's a t-shirt. Someone was lacking creativity."
"Do they come in red?"
"Well, I don't know. Why?"
"Because I want one for Mother's day."
"(shaking my head in frustraion)"
"Buy me one!"
-and I had better, or the Jesus will get me.

Regifting

Well folks, sorry for the delay. In case you've been in a cave over the last two weeks, I've been in Japan, and although I talked to my Mother several times while I was gone, it was at five in the morning and our conversations consisted mostly of how to get her email what I had to eat, how nice or mean the Japanese were, and what I bought her. Oh yes, and how to re-order checks because that seems to be something that has completely passed her by.

I don't know how seriously you should take her advice, but here goes:


Dear Ask Mum,

I received a gift for Christmas from a friend that I know was regifted to me. You see, I gave them this gift three years ago, and it still has the tag I put on it! I guess they forgot to take it off the bottom, but when I turned it over, there it was.

How should I handle this? Should I tell them I know they gave me my own gift back, or should I just keep quiet and regift it back to them in a few years?

Thanks for your help.

Sign Me,

It Was A Sucky Gift In the First Place


"I didn't do that!"

"No Mother, it's not an accusation, it's a question."

"Why is she worried about this weeks later?"

"Well, she sent this a while ago, I was gone. Remember?"

"Oh, right. Well, what was the question?"

"What does she do about something being regifted back to her."

"I don't buy anything for someone that I wouldn't want myself."

"Well, okay...but...can you focus?"

"I am. She should only buy things she would want herself."

"That's not the problem. The problem is she got a gift from someone else that she bought them."

"That's why you buy stuff you want, so if they give it back you can keep it."

"....okay....so, does she say anything?"

"Well yeah! That's just rude! I would send them an email if I knew how."

"So, it's okay to regift as long as it's not back to the person who gave it to you?"

"What kind of moron regifts it BACK to you?"

"..."

"Are these people your friends?"

"Well, they were."

Brief hiatus

I know that there are a few questions that have been submitted with no replies, but be patient. Things around here are nutty this week. I will be in Japan until the 6th of January, so there probably will not be an update until then. I promise you when I return the first thing we will do is address your concerns. There are plenty, including my mother's need for a hearing aid. Or drugs.

So, in our absence, think of some more questions, drink some alcohol and kiss a nerd for me as I will be on a plane for New Years and not get to do either. Be careful, have fun, and come back to see us in a week!

The day after Christmas, and we've all survived

I think anyway. So things around here were nutty. My mother bought her "grand-dogs" a remote control car for Christmas. Nothing is funnier than seeing two Cocker Spaniels jumping over the Germans Shepherd to get away from it, while the German Shepherd pulls the Scooby Legs to run away as well. I laughed, a lot. I will cherish the gift for years to come. So, since we're now done with Christmas, we've got some questions on how to handle the holiday clean up.

Thanks to all of you who have sent your questions in. My mother hasn't felt this important in years.

Dear Ask Mum,

What is the proper way to dispose of a fruit cake? Do I have to contact a HAZMAT team, or can I just throw it away? My garbage man said he wouldnÂ’t take it, is this legal? What should I do? Thanks for your help!!

Sign me,

Hates Fruit Cake


"I don't have a house cat but I still eat my fruit cake."

"Right...but....you know, normally I can figure out what you're trying to say, but I'm lost. What are you talking about?"

"You don't have to have a house cat to eat your fruit cake. What kind of statement is that?"

"Well, I don't know. That's not what they said, and I'm not sure what you think they said."

"They asked what kind of house cat you need to eat fruit cake right? Because you don't need one. One doesn't have to do with the other."

"You're right, I know, but let's think about how to get rid of fruit cake."

"Huh?"

"GET RID OF FRUIT CAKE!?!"

"You eat it."

"Okay, I realize you have an unnatural affection for fruit cake, but what if someone doesn't like it and their garbage man won't take it."

"Whywouldn'tt he take it, they take my leaves."

"..."

"What, they do? What's this person's problem."

"Coming to you for advice I think."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing. Okay, so you're saying throw away the fruit cake since the garbage man takes leaves?"

"Yes. Or eat it."

"Can they just mail it to you?"

"Ooooh! Yeah, I LOVE fruit cake!"

And we love you too. So there you go folks. If you have extra fruit cake this holiday season, and you have no way of disposing it, send it to my mother.

The Christmas special

Merry Christmas from the crazy Kilburn household where today we watch dogs eat presents and have sammiches as our grand feast. This Grinch hates Christmas and is glad that it's over, but Mum on the other hand is beaming with present giving joy. Today, two questions both relating to Christmas. For those of you who enjoy this day, I hope you have a wonderful one. For all my fellow grinches, we'll get 'em next year!

Lori


Dear Mum,

I wanted to know if you could tell me about the history of mistletoe. Why
do people kiss under it? Why do strangers suddenly feel that it is OK to
touch lips with me just because they're holding parasitic leaves over my
head?

Thank you for clearing this up!

- Mistletoeless Joe


Well, it's not nearly as entertaining when she actually understands me, unless of course she's reminding me once again of her disappointment of me and my marital status. Read on my friends.

"I'm sure it's pagan or something, don't you?"

"Well, Joe didn't write in to know what I had to say, he wants to know your opinion."

"Well look it up on the computer."

"You mean the internet?"

"Yes, I guess. Whatever."

At this point we did a short amount of research to find out that it's either Celtic, Greek, French, or North American. Sometimes it was for weddings, other for fertility, and then again just so some homely chicks could get some. None of which seemed to please her, and she was frankly more interested in opening presents.

"Well, what do you want to tell Joe."

"First of all, why is he so worried about people hanging balls over him in the air, and kissing him?"

"Well, some people aren't into that. Are you sure you haven't been using the internet to look at porn?"

"What, I don't eat popcorn, my colon remember?"

"Right. How could I forget. Again, what do we tell Joe?"

"Tell Joe if he's single, to come down here and get under the mistletoe with you. You need a man, and you need to be fertile."

"Really, why's that?"

"Because you're 28 and single, and I need a grandchild."

"Mother, you have three already, why is it my duty to repopulate the family again just because you want more grandchildren?"

"I think you just need to get laid."

I think we can leave it at that.


Tomorrow is Christmas. I don't have a fireplace. How will Santa come in my house? I'm sad that I may not have anything in my stocking tomorrow morning.

"Granny panties."

"Granny panties. Really?"

"Yes."

"Out of that whole long sentence, you got granny panties as a response?"

"She asked what I wanted in my stocking, right?"

"No, she....okay, step by step. If she doesn't have a fireplace, how does Santa get into her house?"

"Does she not know Santa doesn't come through the chimney? He comes through your credit card statements? How old is this person?"

"Thanks for ruining Christmas for everyone."

"Well, by the time you're old enough to use the computer, you should know that Santa isn't real."

"Mother, YOU don't know how to use the computer, but I bet that Jordan does (my friend's 2 1/2 year old daughter.) and she doesn't know Santa isn't real."

"Well....okay, what did she ask about stockings."

"She said she's afraid Santa won't leave her anything due to her structural problem in the house."

"Huh?"

"NO CHIMNEY!"

"Oh. Well, tell her to do what I do. Go to Target and get it herself. If you wait around for some mystery man to fill your stockings, you will live your life in a world of disappointment."

"You know what Mum, for once you're right."

Have a Merry one everybody, and enjoy your time with your mother. I know I will!

How many licks

Here we go folks, another installment. If you would like to send some coupons for hearing aids, I would appreciate it. Remember, this is funny in small doses, but EVERY DAY, the SAME conversation...it can wear you down.


Dear Ask Mum,

Just how many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Lickin In Las Vegas


"I like ginger ale."

"Really, well, I like Dr. Pepper, but what does that have to do with licking a Tootsie Pop."

"What's a Tootsie Pop?"

"The big fruit-flavored suckers with the Tootsie Roll goo in the middle."

"I don't think.....a what?"

"The commercials. They had an owl in a tree. Owls are smart. How many licks....you know, the owl?"

"OH! Those things! I hate those things!"

"Well, that's good. Will you answer the question."

"I did, ginger ale. I like ginger ale when I'm sick."

"No...good grief. Okay, the question was, how many licks to the center of a tootsie pop."

"I don't know, 45?"

"Sounds good to me."


So there you go, what does an owl know. It officially takes 45 licks. How she came to this scientific conclusion, one will never know. What we DO know, is she likes ginger ale when she's sick. I can vouch for her on this one, she digs the ginger ale. Especially the cranberry kind.

That is all. Goodnight.

Shampoo and little red balls

So, this is how this works. Email my Mum a question, I read it to her and then write down her response. If she read them, she would probably understand what is going on. Otherwise, she's clueless. We already have a submission, and boy was my mother lost:



Dear Ask Mum,
What kind of shampoo and conditioner does President Bush use? His hair always looks great.
Thanks!
Just Wondering in Texas


Her answer:

"Well, I don't have a pool, but if I did I like those bushes with the little red balls. Actually, I like the ones with the big red balls....the Buford Holly I think."

"Aren't they called berries, not balls?"

"Oh, they're round. Sorry, I had the wrong word."

"But that's not what I asked you. What kind of SHAMPOO does president BUSH use. Not what type of BUSH to put around the POOL..."

"How the hell should I know that?"

I don't know Mum, but thanks for answering.



If you would like to join in the insanity, send your questions to mum@lawrenee.com. She loves to answer the questions!


Lori

Welcome

This is why she's getting her own blog. A conversation with my mother when she called me for the 18th time to see how I was feeling since I was home sick from work.

Me: well, I got my gift from Dad and Bonnie.
Mum: what did they get you?
Me: cookies like always and a Santa snow globe (no, my father doesn't have a clue)
Mum: does it fit?
Me: what?
Mum: does it fit? Did they buy the right size?
Me: well, I don't plan on wearing a snow globe, so I guess not.
Mum: Oh.

At this point, I thought she had figured out what I was talking about.


A few minutes later, further into the conversation, this time about my dog Biko and his new talking King Kong toy that no longer has an arm. She often goes back to other conversations without any warning.

Mum: why won't you wear a robe?
Me: I wear one every day, what the hell are you talking about?
Mum: The robe from your Dad and Bonnie, why won't you wear it?
Me: it is a SNOW GLOBE, not a robe.
Mum: a sandy colored globe, that's odd.
Me: ...no, SANTA SNOW GLOBE!
Mum: why the hell did he buy you that?
Me: what, a sandy robe made more sense?
Mum: well, at least you would wear that. You're not going to use a snowglobe, you're not a child anymore.
Me: Mother, you have a snowglobe on your nightstand.
Mum: yeah, but not a SANTA snowglobe, that's just silly.


And that is why I love her.