Groundhog Day?

Well, it's official. The old lady is retired and already driving me crazy. This week's antics included:

* Her retirement party, where she neglected to tell me where it was, and after telling her four or five times to keep her phone on her in case I called didn't answer the phone the four times that I called her. Then, didn't understand why I was upset by it...you can't stay mad at someone who just retired though. It's their speed pass to Alzheimers after all.

* We watched movies last night with my friend Anna. Anna has never been around my mother during one of her "moments." We watched Capote, the new Dawn of the Dead (which the horror queen loved, but Anna only liked it when I said the people were gonna do it, and the zombie baby showed up. Anna was not impressed with Zombies) and then we watched V for Vendetta.

We weren't even thirty seconds into the movie. We were still listening to Natalie say, "...remember, remember the fifth of November..." when I asked my mother if she knew what Guy Fawkes day was. She looked at me confused, and said, "Groundhog Day?" I almost mentioned that no one would make a movie about that, but then realized how dumb that statement would be. Anna commenced laughing so hard that she had tears in her eyes, and I was laughing so hard I couldn't even pull the Raider out. My mother sat there so confused that she decided to read her newspaper until we stopped. Then I busted out with, "remember remember the second of February..." and we lost our shit again. Still confused my mother was getting upset I hadn't explained it yet, so finally we broke it down for her.

She didn't in fact know what Guy Fawkes day was. She does now though. She liked it by the way, and is a fan of Alan Moore, even though there was a long discussion about the Watchmen and how she wouldn't like it but wants to read it anyway.

* Today, DirecTV came out to fix her box in her bedroom before replacing it all together. She calls me after to ask me where Mandy was adopted from. I said, Camp Wolgang? And I told her the website. She said the guy didn't have internet. Still confused, I asked her what guy, and she said the guy that fixed her cable box because he loved animals as much as I did, and she got his number so she could call him and tell him where to adopt a German Shepherd. I asked her if she was trying to set me up with the cable guy, and she said yes because he was tall.

Evidently we've reached the point in my life where a guy is good enough for me based merely on his stature. Doesn't matter how smart he is, how he treats women, etc. As long as he's tall, he'll do for me. Her daughter. Her ONLY daughter. Her baby girl.

I could end up at the bottom of a well pleading for my life and screaming for a dog named Precious so I don't get made into a human hair-piece, but my mom wouldn't suspect anything as long as the guy was tall.

That's it for this week, stay tuned as I'm sure the hilarity will ensue.